›Big Fart
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
Bush replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
›Spare Parts
Nelson Mandela is at home watching the box, when there is a knock at his door. He gets up and answers it, there is a Chinese bloke with clipboard, and behind him is a lorry full of exhaust pipes.
"You sign, you sign," yells the Chinese.
Nelson looks at the truck and tells the Chinese bloke that he has got the wrong bloke.
Next day Nelson is watching a film when there is a knock on his door. It's the same Chinese bloke and behind him is truck full of brake parts.
"You Sign, You Sign," screams the Chinese bloke and pushes the clipboard under Nelson's nose.
"Look you Twat,” snarls Nelson "You've got the wrong bloke. I don't want brake parts, you've got the wrong bloke again."
Next day Nelson is sitting in the chair reading a magazine, when there is a knock on the door. It's the Chinese bloke again, behind him are two trucks filled with engine parts.
The Chinese bloke screams at Nelson, "You sign, you sign."
Well that's it Nelson loses his wig and picks the Chinese bloke up by his shirt and yells, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?"
The Chinese bloke looks at his clipboard and says, "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
›New Cadillac
The Pakistani President, Gen Pervez Musharraf, is visiting his friend, U.S. President George Bush, in Washington, DC.
The U.S. President offers a gift to his guest. "Here you go, Mush" says Bush. "Try out this shiny new Cadillac. It's their finest model."
"Thank you, Mr. President, but I cannot accept this magnificent gift," replies the Musharraf.
"Oh. I understand about gift limits. I understand the problems you are having in Pakistan with your non-profit associations. Ok then ... give me a half dollar for it. Then it won't be a gift," replies Bush. Musharraf gives Bush a dollar.
"I don't have any change ... too bad," says the President.
"No big deal... you'll just give me two Cadillacs" retorts Musharraf.
›Loyal soldiers!
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!' We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
›Bad horse
The story is told of a day when Queen Elizabeth had the Duke Of Edenbourgh over for a cup of tea. The conversation turned equestrian and the Queen was telling the Duke about her new prize horse.
After a spell of ranting and raving over this horse the Duke said, "Well, then, let's see this fine animal!"
So the Queen and the Duke went over to the stables to admire the horse.
At one point the Queen walked around the horse, just as it let out an earth trembling belch, with a smell that....
The Queen turned a bit red and said, "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that!"
"Oh, that's quite alright," the Duke replied, "I had thought it was the horse!"
›Not sticking!!!
George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.
He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
›A Deadly Sneeze?
Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.
"Who was that!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.
"I see," he said, "I will have 10 of you shot. And maybe then you will tell me who sneezed?"
A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.
"I will ask again," yelled Hitler, "who sneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.
"Very vell," he said, "I will have another 10 of you shot!"
The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.
"For the very last time," screamed Hitler, "Who sneezed?"
Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It was me, my Führer. I am the one who sneezed."
Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Bless you."
›Killed the pig !
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?", asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I`m Bill Clinton`s driver, and I just killed the pig."
›Intelligent car radio !
A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock `n` roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision.
The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!" ...The radio cut over to George Bush`s press conference.
›A caption contest!
After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling. On one occasion, he enters a herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears on the front page of a newspaper.
Guess the caption!!
Laloo, third from left!
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