NEXT->
›Stupid Robber
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
›The Dumb Bank Robber
A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So, he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his pickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
›Manager`s Advice
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing.
On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!"
This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says, "Prepare three envelopes"
›Nail Biter
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails.
She was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails started growing normally.
Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her problem.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
›Crazy Driver
A woman is watching the news on TV and they are reporting live from a helicopter about a man driving down the highway going the wrong way. All the other cars are swerving all over the place trying to avoid hitting this guy.
She calls her husband to warn him as he knows that he travels on that highway at this time.
She says to him, "There's this crazy driver on the highway going the wrong direction."
He replies emphatically, "Just one, hell there's a whole bunch of them going the wrong way."
›Romance Never Dies
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to ep.
sle
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
›Old Fart
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
›One Kiss Per Yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
›Flight Conversation
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
›Secrets to a Happy Life
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"Well, honey, I smoke five packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "Five packs of cigarettes!!!"
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-eight," he said.
NEXT->