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›Murder trial



A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense`s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick:
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn`t."

›Smart lawyer



A Lawyer was defending a man in court that had broken a window and stolen some jewlery.
The Lawyer decided to try a unique defense, he told the judge that you shouldn`t punish the whole man for something that his arm did.
The judge thought for a minute, then said, "Good point, using your logic I will sentence the defendant`s arm to two year in prison, he can accompany his arm or not."
At that the defendant came forward, detached his artificial arm, laid it on the bench and walked out.

›Go to hell !!



A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that`s fine, but it`s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There`s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let`s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

›Feels like rubber...



A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer.
Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.
"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don`t know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunk replied.

›Poor lawyer



One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter`s there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies, "That would have been the Titanic, right?".
St. Peter lets him through the gate. St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn`t REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228"
"That happens to be right; go ahead." St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

›Speed trap



A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars that were all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got caught and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation and was about to walk awy when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don`t think it`s fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah...," the driver replied.
The officer grinned and said, "Ever catch all the fish?"

›Lawyer at Pearly Gates



A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don`t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I`ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

›Loopholes !



A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.
She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"
He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.
The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"
He shouted "I`m looking for loopholes!"

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›A lawyer and a blonde



A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde`s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?"The blonde doesn`t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it`s the blonde`s turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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