›Big ranch !
A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm. After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."
›No Canoe for U ...
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe in a distant jungle.
The chief comes to them and says,"The bad news is that now that we`ve caught you, we`re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison."
The chief gives him some poison. The Frenchman cries, "Vive la France!", quaffs the poison, and dies
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please."
The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."
The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest-- everywhere. There`s blood gushing out all over, it`s horrible.
The chief is appalled, and screams,"What are you doing?!"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says,"So much for your canoe, ya jerk."
›Food for thought ?
Raabri was worried whether or not Laloo upon his death made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance. Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, Laloo`s voice was heard answering, "Hello Raabri, this is meeee..."
"Lalooji," she answered. I just have to know if you`re happy there in the afterlife. What`s it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it`s much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Laloo answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected and above all there is no scam. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his Raabri cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I`m a buffalo in Punjab."
›A to Z .
You must have all heard of ABCDs, ABCDEFs and ABCDEFGs, but have you heard an expansion covering the complete alphabet?
Ok, here s the lighter side: An ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ is American Born Confused Desi, Emigrated From Gujarat Housed In Jersey Keeping Lotsa Motels Named Omkarnath Patel Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways, Xenophobic Yet Zestful!!!
›Cowboy Joe!
A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink. He`s just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells "Hey Joe! Your house is burning!"
The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks... "Hey, I don`t have a house."
He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again. Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells "Hey Joe! Your dad has died!"
So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks... "Wait a minute, my dad died years ago."
He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, he`s just about to take a sip of his whis- key when another guys runs up.
"Joe! Con- gratulations! You`ve won the lottery! There`s a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!"
The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office. He almost gets there when he thinks, "Hey, wait a minute. My name ain`t Joe..."
›Automatic Landing
At the time of Indo-Pak war in 1971, Pakistan Air Force had just acquired the state of the art Sabre jet from US. The jet had some outstanding technical features which were being explained by a US instructor to some trainee Paksitani pilots. The US instructor explained the aircraft`s automatic take off, automatic maneuvring, automatic supersonic acceleration, automatic weapon loading and automatic firing.
Eventually, one Pakistani pilot asked, "Sir, How do we land this aircraft?"
The US instructor said, "Son, Leave that to the Indian Air Force."
›7 up!
This happened to an American visitor in Madras. In his hotel room he picked up the telephone one night and asked for a 7-up. The switchboard operator answered in his best English, "7-up? Yes, sir."
The cold drink never arrived, but the next morning the tourist was woken up punctually at seven o clock.
›Beer mug !
An insect falls into a mug of beer....
Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.
American: Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Indian: Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Pakistani: Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer. Relates the issue to Kashmir. Asks the Chinese for Military aid. Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.
›Who`s the fastest ?
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The 1st boy says:" Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
The 2nd boy says:"Ha! You think that`s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
The 3rd one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a Government employee. He stops working at 4:30pm and he is home by 3:45pm!"
›Kargil !
The Sikh regiment was climbing a hill in the Kargil sector during the war when suddenly from the direction of the summit the Pakistani regiment opened fire on them. The Sikh regiment took cover behind boulders and started to return the firing. The firing continued for a long time and no progress was made so the Sikh regiment’s captain thought that since the names of almost all the pakistani soldiers are like yusuf iqbal mustafa etc. he’ll call out their names and the moment they react to the call we’ll shoot them.
So he started calling out-"Yusuf" four hands shot up and they were gunned down. Then the captain called out-"iqbal" three hands shot up and they were gunned down this continued for a few more minutes till the Pakistani’s got wise and stopped responding.
The Pakistani captain then thought that at this rate all his men would be killed so he adopted the strategy of the Sikh captain and thought that all Sikhs have names rhyming with Inder like Sukhwinder, Devender, Jaswinder etc.
So the Pakistani captain started calling out "Sukhwinder" no hands shot up from the Indian side. The Pakistani captain again called out-"Sukhwinder" still no hands shot up.
The Pakistani captain called out the same name twice again when instantly came the reply that-
"Oye Sukhwinder nu kaun yaad kar-riya si?"(who is remembering Sukhwinder?).
The Pakistani commander immediately shot up his hand and said-"Main"(me) and BANG he was shot dead.
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