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›Witness Stand
A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes Sir", answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."
›Xmas Shopping
Christmas was coming near and it was time for Little Johnny to finish his holiday shopping. He went into a toy shop, took a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.
The shopkeeper spoke up, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."
Little Johnny didn't reply and continued walking.
The shopkeeper repeated himself, but Johnny kept walking.
The third time the shopkeeper called him, Johnny replied, "What?"
The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money."
Johnny looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."
›Pregnant Lady
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.
He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
›Little Heart
Little Johnny was attending his first day of school.
The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag.
"When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"
›Fertilizer
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
›Strange Neighbours
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called to see how her son was doing in his new life.
"I'm fine, " Angus said. "But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time."
"Well, my dear," says his mother, "I suggest you don't associate with people like that."
"Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes."
›Honest Lawyer!
Two small boys were overheard talking one day.
"My name is Jimmy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Johnnie," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Jimmy.
Johnnie replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Jimmy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Johnnie.
›Help Suzy
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem. The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher's pet.
He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become amen, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room.
She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, sitting in the back of the room.
He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a damn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think I can!"
›Shocking letter
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Love
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
›Who's the father?
A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop.
He finds one and then begs, "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight."
Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.
After a while the cop turns to the kid and says, "Okay, which one's your father."
The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."
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