›Spelling Bee
Agatha's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words.
From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?"
"Nothing," Agatha said.
Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does doeb spell?"
"Nothing," Agatha answered.
This went on for several weeks.
Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does lmdz spell?"
Agatha smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell 'Nothing'!"
›Show & Tell
The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Anna: What did you bring?
"I brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice. What did you bring Maria?"
"I brought a can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"
›Carpooling
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practice. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up.
Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived.
When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."
›Crushed Nuts?
A kid walks into an ice cream store and when he steps up to the counter the owner asks him what he wants.
The kid just stares and looks around with a glazed expression on his face and doesn't say anything. Finally the owner realizing that this kid isn't all there decides to point to certain items. He points to the vanilla ice cream and asks the boy if he would like vanilla. The boy's body shakes, and then he nods his head and points to the vanilla.
"Okay," said the owner, "how about a cup for your ice cream?" as he points to the cups.
The boy shakes some more, nods and points at the cups.
So the owner goes on..."caramel sauce?"
The boy again shakes, nods, and points and the jar of caramel sauce.
"Some whipped cream?"
Again the boy shakes, nods and points to the whipped cream can.
"A red cherry on top?" as he points to the cherries in a container.
The boy shakes, nods, and points at the cherries.
Finally the owner says, "Crushed nuts?"
"No, cerebral palsy."
›Mock Earthquake
A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "Guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems.
A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.
One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but this brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."
›Entry to Heaven
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
›Latecomer
Little Johnny was late for class. He walked into the classroom, quietly shut the door behind him, and tiptoed to his seat, all the while hoping his teacher wouldn't notice. But, nevertheless, the teacher was well aware of his entry.
Upset by his tardiness, the teacher asked, "Is this how your father would have come in? Would he have come in late and tried to sneak to his desk?"
The teacher pointed to the door and continued, "Now, leave this classroom and try it again. And, be sure to get it right next time!"
So, Little Johnny picked up his books and left the room. A few moments later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth.
He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the floor, and said, "So, Honey, didn't expect *me*, did you?"
›Time's Up
Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them.
Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.
His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishop’s room and then say to him, "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."
Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked.
He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"
›Nose Picking
As Joe was trying to pack for vacation, his 3-year-old daughter was having a great time playing on the bed.
At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before he rushed out of the room again.
When Joe returned, his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears streaming down her face...
Joe said, "What's wrong honey?"
Dejected, sad and broken, she looked up at him and said, "Daddy, where's my booger?
›Religious Johhny
Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Andy came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny.
When Uncle Andy came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny Kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.
Little Johnny looked up and said, "What are you doing?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Andy.
"Mom is going to be mad", said Little Johnny.
"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Andy.
"Because the bed pan's on this side!"
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