›Weight Lifting
Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?"
"They're not cheap either."
"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"
›Most Famous Man
One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"
›The Lost Coin
My husband and I had just finished tucking our young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room.
Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking could change his mind.
Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear.
Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, dad!"
›The Finest Archer
A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service."
The boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree... ...and then I paint the target around it."
›'F ' in Sex !
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.
Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Little Johnny looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"
›Horse Auction
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as the father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump and chest.
After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Little Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
›The Way to Heaven!
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
›Dumbest Kid!
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!
›Christmas Play
The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the Christmas play.
"Now,all you have to do, when you hear me say to the choir '...and the angel lit the candle', is come on stage and light all the candles."
"I can do it, I can do it!" the little boy said, excitedly.
Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was ready, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, and all awaited the moment when the cute littlest angel would make his entrance.
The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle" Everyone looked stage right for the entrance.
No little boy.
The director gave the downbeat again, and more loudly said, "...and the angel lit the candle"
Again, all eyes looked stage right. No little boy.
The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures, and this time the choir thundered into the line. So loud were they that the curtains belled slightly from the sound!
"...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"
And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right, "...and the cat peed on the matches!"
›Radar Trap
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders along a well-traveled stretch of highway. The location, at a bend in the road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming traffic while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by. He had used this location successfully a number of times, especially on holidays, and decided to use it again one Labor Day weekend.
The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling down to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or so the officer hadn't seen anybody speeding.
In fact most of the cars that passed him were traveling exactly at the speed limit, and some of the passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at him. He couldn't believe this was happening since his hiding place was so well concealed.
Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he was there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went investigate.
He got out of his car and walked up the road a short distance. About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found the problem: A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said: RADAR TRAP AHEAD.
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boys accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading TIPS and a bucket at his feet full of change.
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