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›Three Blondes
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blond woman sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 220 pounds, and she is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6'5, weighs 250 pounds, and she's a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blond joke?
The guy thinks about it a second and says, No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times.
›Watch dogs
A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Why did you give them names like that?"
The blonde responded, "What else would you name watch dogs?"
›Don't laugh!
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 25th step he would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 150th step, so she could not enter heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 350th step, so she could not enter heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."
"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."
›Helping blonde
Once upon a time there were two blondes who had gone rock climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom.
The other man frantically screamed, "Ross!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply.
"Okay Ross," shouted Robert, "I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round one of your legs and..."
but before he could finish, he heard Ross call, "But both my legs are broke."
Robert suggested his arms, to which the reply was, "They're broken too!"
So finally, Ross held on with his mouth. Robert struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Robert said, "You right there mate?"
Ross replied, "YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS........"
›Crap in the carburetor
Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?
Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
›Fishing licenses!
Three blonde fishermen are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first fisherman.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second fisherman, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want."
And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three fishermen started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the fisherman, said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are Steelhead trout in this river?!"
›Horse Rider
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a frim grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......
The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut off the horse!
›Another chance!!
/5431.jpg'>A group of people decide to prove that blondes are not really dumb. For this reason, they gather 80,000 natural blondes at Wembley stadium. A guy who`s hosting the show randomly picks out one blonde and asks her to come down to the center. They are standing at the microphone as he asks her:
"What`s two times two?"
"Five", answers the blonde and smiles.
The guy shakes his head, but the whole stadium shouts, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
Then the guy asks her, "What`s three times three?"
"Eight", answers the blonde proudly.
The guy is about to let her return to her seat, but the whole stadium starts to shout again, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
So the guy asks her one more question. "What`s four times four?"
"Sixteen", answers the blonde shyly.
Before the guy expresses his reaction, the whole stadium starts to shout, "Give her one more chance, give her one more chance!"
›Frozen state!
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Andrew doesn`t appreciate what I do for him!"
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen chicken and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those chickens are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn`t the price of the chicken, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, `PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,` so I flew to Alaska."
›Highway Jerks
One afternoon, this blonde drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.
Blonde rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?"
"I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?"
With a smile in his face, blonde hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.
A bit irritated, blonde stops, cranks down the window, and says, "What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of cola and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, blonde decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells,
"Let me guess. You`re the blue jerk of the highway. Just what the hell do you want?"
"Driver`s license and registration, please."
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