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›Men's room!
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.
The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer."
The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."
›Too high!
This guy who stutters badly, walks into a Bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".
The Bartender, who is badly Humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be Rs 200 please!"
The Guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!".
The guy pays him and drinks it down.
He then says, "Sssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease!"
The Bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be Rs 300 please!".
The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!".
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving he says, "Bbbartender tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere!"
The Bartender replied, "Oh that's OK! I want to thank you for not making fun of my Humpback while you were in here."
The Guy says, "Oh ttthat's OK, eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour Bbbutt!"
›Puke!
A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along.
Pizza thought: "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry."
Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped him, "What's going on out there?" it asked.
"Why, there's a party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!" the whiskey replied.
And pizza said, "Great, I'll go check it out!"
› Jan 2009 18:40:03 GMT
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›Finding Jesus!
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister.
The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
›Australian marriage
All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.
"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"
Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him.
"What's the problem?" he asked.
"Someone stole a keg (barrel) of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father.
The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.
A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled, "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!"
As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked, "What happened to make you change your mind?"
Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."
› Jan 2009 18:40:04 GMT
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›Mine disaster
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.
"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I`ll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I`m sorry sir but that guy`s a communist and we don`t serve his kind around here."
"Well, you`d better because if it weren`t for that guy, I wouldn`t be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don`t believe me, look at the top of his head and you`ll see that it`s flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the communist his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn`t help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that`s where we put the jack."
›Drunken nun !
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don`t be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I`ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It`s not that drunken Nun again, is it?"
›Secret of long life
Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park when a reporter approached them.
"I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed.
The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.
"I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years."
"Wow, that`s really remarkable!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" he asked the first old man.
"I`m 93," said the man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
"I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some."
"And how old are you?" asked the reporter.
"I`m 91," said the old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
"I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day."
"Wow!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?"
"29," replied the man.
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›Finding Jesus!
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister.
The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
›Australian marriage
All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.
"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"
Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him.
"What's the problem?" he asked.
"Someone stole a keg (barrel) of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father.
The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.
A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled, "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!"
As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked, "What happened to make you change your mind?"
Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."
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›Mine disaster
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.
"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I`ll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I`m sorry sir but that guy`s a communist and we don`t serve his kind around here."
"Well, you`d better because if it weren`t for that guy, I wouldn`t be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don`t believe me, look at the top of his head and you`ll see that it`s flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the communist his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn`t help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that`s where we put the jack."
›Drunken nun !
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don`t be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I`ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It`s not that drunken Nun again, is it?"
›Secret of long life
Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park when a reporter approached them.
"I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed.
The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.
"I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years."
"Wow, that`s really remarkable!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" he asked the first old man.
"I`m 93," said the man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
"I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some."
"And how old are you?" asked the reporter.
"I`m 91," said the old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
"I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day."
"Wow!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?"
"29," replied the man.
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›Mine disaster
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.
"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I`ll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I`m sorry sir but that guy`s a communist and we don`t serve his kind around here."
"Well, you`d better because if it weren`t for that guy, I wouldn`t be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don`t believe me, look at the top of his head and you`ll see that it`s flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the communist his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn`t help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that`s where we put the jack."
›Drunken nun !
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don`t be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I`ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It`s not that drunken Nun again, is it?"
›Secret of long life
Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park when a reporter approached them.
"I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed.
The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.
"I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years."
"Wow, that`s really remarkable!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" he asked the first old man.
"I`m 93," said the man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
"I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some."
"And how old are you?" asked the reporter.
"I`m 91," said the old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
"I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day."
"Wow!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?"
"29," replied the man.
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