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›Logic!
A camel decided to educate his son who he suspected was getting a little inquisitive.
`Why do we have two humps?` asked the son. `That is so that we can go for days and weeks without water. We can store it in the humps.`
`Why do we have very long eye lashes?`
`That,` he was told, `is to protect the eyes from the sand in a sand storm.`
`And why do we have bulbous looking feet?`
`That is so that we can travel twice as fast through the desert.` `Dad,` asked the young camel, `what the hell are we doing in this zoo?`
›Intelligent dog !
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We`ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."
The wife responded, " But we`ve never subscribed to any papers!"
›Sign language of a monkey !
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I am saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down."Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissiing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you are saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
›Smart snakes!
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What`s the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"
"Certainly", say the snakes. "We`re adders, so we need logs to multiply."
›Smart Panda!
A Panda bear walks into a bar. Sits down at a table and orders a beer and a double cheeseburger. After he is finished eating, he pulls out a gun and rips the place with gunfire. Patrons scatter and dive under chairs and tables as the bear runs out the door. After ensuring that no one is hurt, the bartender races out the door, and calls after the bear
"What the censored did you do that for?"
The bear calls back, "I`m a Panda bear. Look it up in the dictionary."
The bartender returns, pulls out his dictionary.
Panda : \Pan"da\, n. (Zo["o]l.) A small Asiatic mammal (Ailurus fulgens) having fine soft fur. It is related to the bears, and inhabits the mountains of Northern India. Eats shoots and leaves.
›The boss!
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:
"The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man.
The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question
"What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!".
›Assinine aspirations!
Two asses met in a market; one ass asked the other, ‘Why have you become so weak and sullen, doesn`t your owner treat you well?’
The other ass replied, ‘No, my owner makes me work throughout the day and does not give me any food. He is very cruel.’
The first ass said, ‘Why don t you leave his house and run away?’
The other ass replied: ‘No, I shall not leave his house even if he tortures me, because my owner s daughter is very pretty. Whenever she does any mischief, my owner always abuses her saying that, "One day I will get you married to this donkey", I am waiting for that day to come.’
›Mad Cow!
These two cows are in standing in a field.
One says "Hey, are you worried about that Mad Cow`s Disease?"
The other one answers "Nah, it can`t affect me, I`m a rabbit."
›What a cracker!
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any crackers?"
Bar tender says, “No.”
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?"
Bar tender says, “No.”
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, “Got any crackers?”
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! And if you ask that one more time I’ll nail your beak shut!"
Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?"
Bar tender says, “No.”
Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"
›St. Peter
After dying this cat walked up to the Pearly Gates where he met St Peter.
St. Peter says to the cat, "During your time on earth, you were a good little cat. You kept your masters house & barn free of pests, and for this faithful service, you get one wish for anything you would particularly like.”
The cat thinks for a moment before replying, "Well, my master had this satin pillow that I loved, so I would like a satin pillow just like that one.”
St. Peter replies, "Go on through you`ll find it waiting."
A little while later a group of field mice appear at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter greets them saying, "During your time on earth you were good little field mice. You kept the other pests from destroying the farmers crop, so as a reward you may have anything you like in heaven."
The field mice converse briefly before one steps forward and says, "The farmers children had roller skates, and they looked like a lot of fun, so that`s what we`d like."
St Peter replies, "Go on through you`ll find them waitng."
A while later St Peter was strolling through Heaven when he came across the cat who was sitting on his satin pillow purring contentedly.
"So how are you enjoying Heaven?" St Peter inquired.
"Oh, it`s wonderful," answered the cat, "This pillow is just divine, even better than the one I had in Earth, and the Meals on Wheels, *kisses his paw* Nice Touch."
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