›Mightiest !!
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildbeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion feeling like it`d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Just because you don`t know the answer, you don`t have to get so mad."
›Changed attitude !
Sachin received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren`t expletives were, to say the least, rude.
Sachin tried hard to change the bird`s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Sachin put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.
Sachin was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Sachin`s extended arm and said: "I`m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..."
Sachin was astounded at the bird`s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
›Jumping Kangaroo !!
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
A twenty foot fence was put up. Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they`ll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
›Blind as a bat!!!
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave`s roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me."
He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Well I didn`t!"
›The comparison!
Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter:
First woman : My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman : I know
First one : How?
Second one : My dog told me.
›The guilt!
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor`s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor`s house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
›Poor turtle!
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it`s time to tell him he`s adopted."
›Centipede!!
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can`t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I`ve got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can`t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I`ll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it`s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He`s absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I`ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what`s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can`t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there`s the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What`s the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I`m goin`! I`m goin`! I`m just puttin` on my shoes!
›The life of man!
GOD created the DONKEY and told him, `You will work tireless from sunrise up to sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat grass. You will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!`
The DONKEY answered, `I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!` and God gave him 20 years.
GOD created DOG and told him ` You will look after man`s house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years, You will be a DOG.`
The DOG answered `GOD, living 25 years is too much, give only 10 years!` and GOD gave him 10 years.
GOD created the MONKEY and told him, `you will jump from branch to branch , you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years, you will be a MONKEY!`
The MONKEY answered ` GOD, living 20 years is too much , give me only 10 years!` and GOD gave him 10 years.
Finally GOD created MAN and told him, `you will be a MAN the only rational being on this earth and you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.
The MAN answered, GOD I will be a man but living 20 years is not enough, why don`t you give me the 30 years that the DONKEY refused, the 15 years that the DOG didn`t want and the 10 years that the MONKEY refused ?`
That was exactly what GOD did, and since then: MAN lives 20 years like a MAN, then he gets married and spends 30 years like a DONKEY, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave he spends 15 years like DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him. Then he gets old, retires and spends 10 years like a MONKEY, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse his grandchildren.
›Smoke in bed !
The mother kangaroo suddenly leapt into the air and gave a cry of pain and anguish.
`Sidney!` she screamed. `How many more times do I have to tell you that you cannot smoke in bed!`
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