›Finest Bat
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."
"Very good" said Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."
"Impressive" said Dracula.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.
"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."
›Dog vs Ferrari
A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him.
Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel. He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari.
The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."
The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."
The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.
The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"
The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar. That's his asshole. He's not used to stopping that fast.
›Sniffer Dog
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains, I'm a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a Sniffer dog. His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says, "Watch this." He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says,"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent., "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
›Abusing Parrot
A woman walks into a pet shop hoping to find the right pet. She wonders around for a while and she stumbles on to this big ass parrot in this huge cage.
She checks it out for a minute and notices that the parrot has two strings hanging down. On the right foot is a red string and on the left foot is a yellow string. She calls the pet shop manager over and asks him what the strings mean.
He say's, "Well madam, if you pull the red string he will sing a hymn and if you pull the yellow string he will say a prayer."
So the woman thinks out loud, "What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time?"
The parrots eyes got real big and he looked at her and screamed out, "I'd fall on my ass you silly bitch!"
›Lion`s Green Card
In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day. The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the US Zoo.
The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also.
On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few bananas. Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.
The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.
The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, 'Don't you know I am the lion... king of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management?, what nonsense is this? Why are you delivering bananas to me?'
The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but ..did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa!!!
Moral: Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere!!!
›Snail at a Bar
An angry bartender was closing up for the night when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door, didn't see anybody, and was about to close the door when a voice called, "Hey, down here."
The bartender looked down and saw a snail.
"Hey," the snail asked, "How about a drink?"
The angry bartender snarled, "First of all, we're closed. Secondly, we don't serve snails."
And with that, the bartender kicked the snail all the way across the street.
A month later, the same angry bartender was closing up for the night when there was a knock at the door. He opened the door, and there was the same snail from last month.
"You know," the snail said, "you didn't have to kick me."
›Dog`s Hand
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table.
This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog.
Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player.
Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
›The Dream Eggs!
Joe did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm too young." said Joe. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own"
Joe thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Joe replied.
In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........ then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Joe clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Joe said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Joe, for Christ's sake!!! Wake up ... you're shittin' all over the bed!"
›Dopin' Lizard
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get adrink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "Faaaaaaark dude.......how much water did you drink?!
›Tough job!
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window.
The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
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